i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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