i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
