I wish I could punch you in the face.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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