I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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