You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
