The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
