Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
