Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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