I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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