I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
