I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
