Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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