as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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