My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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