so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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