I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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