so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
