You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
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i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
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It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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