it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
