Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
