umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
