Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
