You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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