i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
