Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
