As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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