somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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