She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
