you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
