you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
