My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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