Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
