someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
And then my night got REAL pukey
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
