is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
