The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
