Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
