Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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