I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
