We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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