Nicole vs. Life
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
cat food counts as protein by the way
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
