my vag is so smooth its legendary
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
