I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We were destined to go to rehab together
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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