This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
