the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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