You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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