Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
