we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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