1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
At least make sure they are 18
Why
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There's always time for handjobs
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
