I am in a vortex of obligation.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
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