somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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