I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
