So drunk its hurt
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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