He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
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Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
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The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize