My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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