im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm sobbing to NWA
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
