I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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