I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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