I could make wine with my vomit
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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