Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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