you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
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It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
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They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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